Marriage Moment - February 2010

Valentine's Day has become a tired cliché.

We make reservations for a nice dinner, but still wind up waiting to get seated. We buy roses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, maybe even diamonds. The advertising is insidious, the shallow commercialism rampant. This is a day that is SUPPOSED to be about love... but only one day a year? We should be showing our spouses love all year long. Valentine's Day has become trite, its meaning diluted and its impact negligible; I dare married couples to reclaim it. My challenge is this: Give your spouse a handmade card, in which you tell them – in your own words – that they are the best you could possibly ask for, that you are blessed by being able to spend the rest of your life with them. As you write, consciously forgive anything that has come between you in the past. Look forward and have faith; believe the best is yet to come, that God will make true the words you commit to the page! That's the easy part. Since you will be getting a card that says the same thing, part two of the challenge is to write a letter, dated NEXT Valentine's Day that spells out why you deserve the card you got. Leave the envelopes where you both can see them to be opened one year hence – a constant reminder to work toward making your marriage everything you both want it to be.

The idea for this challenge came from the authors of The Art of Possibility, Ben and Rosamund Zander. Ben started giving 'A's to all his music students to remove the pressure of grades and the sense of competition - with the caveat that they had to write a letter dated end-of-term describing why they got the 'A' (and not what they did, but who they became). With the grade already given, the students found greater freedom to learn and explore possibilities that would have otherwise remained obscured. The real trick to part two is realizing there is no pressure. You already received a card that says you're the best; you are free to explore what that means, dig deep into the uniqueness of your relationship and strengthen it without the fear of your efforts being "graded." You already got an "A" without having to earn it...

How will that change you and your marriage for the better?